8/8/21

It is currently 1:01 AM.

I have so much work to do— I now have to finish editing Grace’s wedding pictures, I hope I am not too late, and that I won’t be distracted too long.

Since I last wrote, a lot has changed. I got fired. I have been telling people that I quit, but the truth is, while debating if I should quit or not, I got fired. The day of, I wanted to quit, I guess it showed. Not much to it. It sucked.

But before that happened, I started dating, Meghan Rose Scott, whom I met on Hinge— a dating app that I was on, because I wanted to fuck girls and mess around. We went on a few dates, I still had my doubts and reservations, but I felt that this was a girl I wanted to date. She intrigued me, comforted me, laughed with me, watched me as I scratched my dick (and my ass) and stuck by me.

There’s been really hard moments. Tomorrow marks four months of us dating, I thought it would be easy; it wasn’t very easy, I’m sure it won’t be easier. We fought a few times, it’d been getting a little harder.

Today, we talked with a lot of inhibitions, at the end of what was something close to two or so hours on facetime. She told me that she wasn’t Christian. A fear I’ve had tucked away for all of our relationship; I was so glad to hear that. She’d told me that she wanted to be a Christian. I’ve seldom felt that type of joy in my heart, I felt truly blessed. Met with a moment I feared for long, I found myself gravitating towards tears that I yearned for. I thanked God that this happened. I felt needed and called, I think this is a reason for me existing to a degree. I am glad.

I felt like a lot of new goals were laid before me. Mayhap not the few that I was looking for, but boy am I thrilled that they are what is ahead of me. This life, these moments, these breaths, they have reason again. I come to the start. I am of old, and becoming new again, Every moment.

In always, Thank You.

12/1/20

8:18 AM

December 1st, it’s really been a year.

With that said, I find myself incredibly confused about most. I move out of my parents’ place in two days. I’ve lived in this room— sometimes confined, other times, absent— a decade spent waking and an eternity in sleep, that’s crazy. Confused about this year, I’ve compromised, changed, progressed, hurt, laughed, cried, and everything. Everything is crazy. Confused about where my heart is, confused about life and the steps, confused about what I want; I’m only twenty five and I seemed to be losing my youth at an alarming rate.

There’s been a lot of dynamics this year, perhaps too much. From relationships, to friends, the will to live, and wanting to not.

Man, what a trip.

I started cussing a lot. I blame no one though. I feel like my adolescence is hitting me now, what’s a second puberty? Is it the quarter life crisis that I jokingly throw around? Hahaha… I recently had a conversation about how I changed. And to some, I haven’t changed a bit, perspective is crazy.

In the midst of this turbulence, today I teared up randomly twice. it’s barely 8:30 in the morning. Erik Kwak is a soft ass bitch. First was listening to the words “잘 할 수 있다는 말도 / 잘 하고 있다는 말도” (I can do well / I am doing well) It’s cheesy as shit, Koreans are pretty cliché, I’m Korean.

The second was whilst watching a Genius video on D Smoke explaining "Black Habits.” I looked up if he was Spanish, he speaks Spanish. I found this— One of his most incomparable artistic appeals is especially bred from this experience, as D captivates his audiences with Spanish bilingualism in his raps. “I still consider myself a teacher,” he says. “I just do it in a different medium now.” I listened as this man explained the hood, I listened to his explanation for his lyrics. it was crazy. I find myself in a place of a little more reprieve now. The irony of finding peace in a tale of anguish is most likely in camaraderie— not that I ever lived in the hood— in knowing that the worst shows itself to us all, in different faces.

I live by this now.

“You throw me to the wolves, Imma come back the leader of the pack.”

11/10/20

10:21 AM

Hello,

I thought I’d create a place where I can keep track of my transitory thoughts, emotions, and a state of my being in writing so that I can keep a record of how I feel at times where I see myself at my lowest, or even at times when I feel like writing down my joys.

With that said, I’m currently not doing too well.

I’ve come to see myself in a place of continual sisyphean efforts; I don’t find comfort in much at the moment. My fear in stagnancy has fully blossomed into reality. At 25, a college graduate, full-time worker, and what I’ve known and seen to this point as an adult, I don’t know if this is what I wanted after all these years. Every year I find myself growing with stress and uncertainty. I’m not sure if I want to start over or stop. This may seem really emotional and fleeting, but I can’t remember when and why I was really happy. Each time I think myself to be content, an equally if not greater sense of gloom and pain seems to revisit. Maybe this is what everyone goes through though— am I so mentally and emotionally unstable to think that I feel more than the average person? I wonder, as I’m hoping for just a few of my problems to disappear, even momentarily.

My negative relationship with my parents, car problems that cost money, not having enough money, wanting to move out but not having enough money, not making enough money, my parents not having money, the fear of stagnancy in my life, the isolation, the insecurities, the uncertainty, what I think is depression and the confirmation I’ll never get, it just seems like a lot. And the more I think about it, the more I can see in my life things I never wanted. Where did it start? How much of this is my fault? Is it my fault? What can I do? What should I do? Every waking moment I’m told to keep my head up and seek comfort in _____. My back grows weary and my eyes wander to a sunken place, I’m having a hard time being optimistic and positive. I am pessimistic by nature. What good is it to find solace and reprieve in things to be let down by whatever will drag me down again? I hate this about myself. The fact that I can’t believe in anything, the lack of motivation that plagues me, the inability to change anything in my life, the constant fuck ups in my life that keep weighing me down, My current and past conditions and how they stop me from the future. I never signed up for it— does everyone hold on to hopelessness in their lifetime? I’m tired of telling myself that it gets better.

Does it?

Each time I’ve told myself “sadness and hurt become less as time passes”, but each trial is heavier and more taxing than the last. What joy does life offer that I need to keep moving on?

I’m not suicidal, I promise. But I do find that sometime I wasn’t born, or that I don’t want to live anymore, that I feel like I would be content if I fell asleep and never awoke.

I have no reason or justification or even the smallest of reasons to as why I’m writing this, it just feels appropriate. I’m not sure if I’m seeking emotional relief or answers from introspection. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and feel different. I don’t want to write “Hopefully things will be better or my problems will be solved.” I’m tired of hoping.