10:21 AM
Hello,
I thought I’d create a place where I can keep track of my transitory thoughts, emotions, and a state of my being in writing so that I can keep a record of how I feel at times where I see myself at my lowest, or even at times when I feel like writing down my joys.
With that said, I’m currently not doing too well.
I’ve come to see myself in a place of continual sisyphean efforts; I don’t find comfort in much at the moment. My fear in stagnancy has fully blossomed into reality. At 25, a college graduate, full-time worker, and what I’ve known and seen to this point as an adult, I don’t know if this is what I wanted after all these years. Every year I find myself growing with stress and uncertainty. I’m not sure if I want to start over or stop. This may seem really emotional and fleeting, but I can’t remember when and why I was really happy. Each time I think myself to be content, an equally if not greater sense of gloom and pain seems to revisit. Maybe this is what everyone goes through though— am I so mentally and emotionally unstable to think that I feel more than the average person? I wonder, as I’m hoping for just a few of my problems to disappear, even momentarily.
My negative relationship with my parents, car problems that cost money, not having enough money, wanting to move out but not having enough money, not making enough money, my parents not having money, the fear of stagnancy in my life, the isolation, the insecurities, the uncertainty, what I think is depression and the confirmation I’ll never get, it just seems like a lot. And the more I think about it, the more I can see in my life things I never wanted. Where did it start? How much of this is my fault? Is it my fault? What can I do? What should I do? Every waking moment I’m told to keep my head up and seek comfort in _____. My back grows weary and my eyes wander to a sunken place, I’m having a hard time being optimistic and positive. I am pessimistic by nature. What good is it to find solace and reprieve in things to be let down by whatever will drag me down again? I hate this about myself. The fact that I can’t believe in anything, the lack of motivation that plagues me, the inability to change anything in my life, the constant fuck ups in my life that keep weighing me down, My current and past conditions and how they stop me from the future. I never signed up for it— does everyone hold on to hopelessness in their lifetime? I’m tired of telling myself that it gets better.
Does it?
Each time I’ve told myself “sadness and hurt become less as time passes”, but each trial is heavier and more taxing than the last. What joy does life offer that I need to keep moving on?
I’m not suicidal, I promise. But I do find that sometime I wasn’t born, or that I don’t want to live anymore, that I feel like I would be content if I fell asleep and never awoke.
I have no reason or justification or even the smallest of reasons to as why I’m writing this, it just feels appropriate. I’m not sure if I’m seeking emotional relief or answers from introspection. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and feel different. I don’t want to write “Hopefully things will be better or my problems will be solved.” I’m tired of hoping.