I don’t want to be here. 2300 Valley St #305. It’s a really nice place. Probably the nicest place i have ever lived and I still cannot stand it here sometimes. Maybe its the fact I always feel like I can’t go anywwhere here, or that i have too much stuff to do, or that im bound here by responsibility and commitments.
I can’t stand it here. this apartment, this city, state, or in the state that I’m in. I literally feel like nowhere is home because I honestly can’t have peace of mind anywhere i go or sleep my weary head at night. I wake up, i do my things and instantly from the moment i wake up anywhere i am at, i hardly ever find peace or support for my days, but often times its frustrated groans, or wake up erik whenever i am away from either all the things i have to do or people telling me that i need to be up for the day. I’m tired. I have had it with nobody - even my own wife will not greet me in the morning 9 times out of 10 but instead i have to worry of how i woke her up during the evening or whatever else did. All i ever wanted was to be in a environment that I felt safe at. Honestly in a wholeness, that has never truly existed - yes, moments and glimpses have, but as soon as i make a mistake, fail to do something, don’t do my part, or act/behave a certain way, that “safety” that I have been told is so ciritical towards my mental health or whatever bullshit this whole things is gone.
I am so irreversibly made known of all my shortcomings, all the time. from little things like snoring or turning in my sleep in which i have become so aware i habitually wake up every 2 or 3 hours because there are no sheets and im shivering in my own bed, i feel like i cannot pull back covers or sheets because of wwaking meghan. i cannot take wrong turns, i cannot accidentally break things. I cannot fuck up and smoke too much or at a wrong time, i get yelled at work for being messy or disorganized. No one really bothers to help me with any of this at a actual level. It’s always why did you take the wrong turn or why are there towels on the floor, or why is this or that still undone?
This all happens while i silently clean up after people, or trying my best to covertly get out of the bed so i can buy groceries to cook dinner, or having to sacrifice my time to take care of things for marriage/work/pet duties and ultimately leaving me with ever growing amount of pressure and actual work to do. I truly feel like i get ZERO help. I honestly want to scream and cry about how i always feel like i cant count on anybody to make lighter of my life. mentally, physically, emotionally, monetarily, career-wise, all of it.
I feel incredibly dismissive and like a bitch. Every time i think about things like this im made to tune out from those “negative perspectives” and focus on all the good/whatever someone does for me in ways that I don’t necessarily care about as it pertains to me.
Yesterday I got into an emotional conversation with meghan becasue she had mentioned that she wanted to cut down on smoking and so she asked me to not smoke around her and to be frank - the expectations were incredibly loose. She said she’s been smoking a lot to help with business and it’s creating mental and physical strains for her and wants to take a break. This is completely fine. I actually didnt really want to. I’m tired. If she can just smoking to cope with busy and what not - does she not thing I’m busy? That I’m never home and she doesnt even understand what its like to not be able to come home after a long day of work? I honestly cannot stand the constant hypocrisy of being told X or Y, but I still don’t even feel 100% confident about telling her something outside of what she wants to hear/do, I say this because she’ll tell me to just say it or communicate, but I’m genuinely sick of her not putting in her owwn weight in how we communicate but always want things done her way. I have time and time and time again told her to please start putting events on the calendar, months ago when i was busy. still not done. I asked her to take some time to drive over to hollywood to pick something up for me. not done. I have asked so many times for her to do something/change this or that to help me. She says ok, and doesnt do it. I asked her to stop leaving clothes and socks outside on the floor. today i found 4 socks, pants 2 underwear and a towel loosely thrown on the floor for me to pick up.
All this that I let pass and smile through because love and commitment and marriage, but honestly where is my grace??? I obviously fucked up and that’s fine, but i probably spent about an hour and a half being made known how failing to not smoke well before she was home led to me labeled as: Doesnt value what meghan says, doesn’t listen, said inflammatory things, cant stay sober because its so hard to be around her - and other things that kept chipping away at who i am and what i do. Yesterday she told me I Cant do anything for her. I spent all day cleaning, walking the dog and cooking. I played about 4 games of league and smoke because I have 5 days left until i wont be home for another week or so?
Does anybody actually care about me? Does anybody actually give a singular fuck? like im tired of feeling like everybody elses issues are so much bigger than mine while forced to care about them. I simply cant. I am growing more resentful each day, not even by design. I spent an extremely fucked up weekend being stuck and having to deal with last minute changes because of weather and try to ship the car on time. I came back and i still did things to make my environment and cohabitation better. I cooked when i was tired. I clean when my back is breaking. Instead of receiving gratitude for what i thought were decent jobs I got yelled at for 2 hrs this week in the midst of me trying to resolve the situation. Im honestly devastated. I broke down and cried several times last night. I was told that I am throwing a “sob fest”.
Imagine if i ever said that to meghan. I cannot see this as anythign besides double standards given the fact that I have been passive with my feelings all this time and i have give “you first you first” mentality with this relationship. I honestly feel sick. absoultely disgusted. Everytime Meghan gets upset, i truly CANNOT express any type of frustration i have or maybe receiving from her. It’s exhausting. I remember saying i want to resolve this with love and with forward progress last night and I received that apologies were not enough, the night was ruined, and that it was all my fault. I can’t do this and something needs to change right now. I unequivocally do not feel like equal partners, AT ALL in this relationship. I still to today feel like my feelings won’t ever be anything more than an accessory to carry when every single constellation in the sky is perfectly in line. outside of that, my physical wellbeing, my emotional sanctity, and how i feel when opposed to what meghan sees or believes fit is pure trash in this relationship. it should not be this way. I have been thinking all week how i can be better and more healthier physically.