8:18 AM
December 1st, it’s really been a year.
With that said, I find myself incredibly confused about most. I move out of my parents’ place in two days. I’ve lived in this room— sometimes confined, other times, absent— a decade spent waking and an eternity in sleep, that’s crazy. Confused about this year, I’ve compromised, changed, progressed, hurt, laughed, cried, and everything. Everything is crazy. Confused about where my heart is, confused about life and the steps, confused about what I want; I’m only twenty five and I seemed to be losing my youth at an alarming rate.
There’s been a lot of dynamics this year, perhaps too much. From relationships, to friends, the will to live, and wanting to not.
Man, what a trip.
I started cussing a lot. I blame no one though. I feel like my adolescence is hitting me now, what’s a second puberty? Is it the quarter life crisis that I jokingly throw around? Hahaha… I recently had a conversation about how I changed. And to some, I haven’t changed a bit, perspective is crazy.
In the midst of this turbulence, today I teared up randomly twice. it’s barely 8:30 in the morning. Erik Kwak is a soft ass bitch. First was listening to the words “잘 할 수 있다는 말도 / 잘 하고 있다는 말도” (I can do well / I am doing well) It’s cheesy as shit, Koreans are pretty cliché, I’m Korean.
The second was whilst watching a Genius video on D Smoke explaining "Black Habits.” I looked up if he was Spanish, he speaks Spanish. I found this— One of his most incomparable artistic appeals is especially bred from this experience, as D captivates his audiences with Spanish bilingualism in his raps. “I still consider myself a teacher,” he says. “I just do it in a different medium now.” I listened as this man explained the hood, I listened to his explanation for his lyrics. it was crazy. I find myself in a place of a little more reprieve now. The irony of finding peace in a tale of anguish is most likely in camaraderie— not that I ever lived in the hood— in knowing that the worst shows itself to us all, in different faces.
I live by this now.
“You throw me to the wolves, Imma come back the leader of the pack.”